Who or what keeps stealing my drive? Where does it go? Am I the cause? How can I build the longterm habit of being driven by my studies and work? My kids aren’t the problem. Their father is. It took me a while to realize that he is still trying to exact control over my emotions. I have fatigue but that has never stopped me from going forward.

Thinking about our marriage, I was manipulated into thinking it was okay to rest and let him take over. The reality was not so nice. That same assurance is now leading me to have nervous attacks that encourage me to seek numbing activities. I no longer want to work, my drive leaves, even my consistency shatters. Panic sets in before I realize what has happened.

Even now, I question if it’s “all in my head.” If these mind games are a figment of my imagination. One day I will prove it. I’ll start by writing things down more for clarity. The solution will come when it is time.

-K